2019年1月20日星期日

Anesthesia



在网易云音乐上偶然听到了这首纯音乐,看到评论里有人发起了关于孤独的讨论。我们果然是一群孤独的人,听后的感觉都别无二致。我隐于外表、植根心底的孤独一直隐藏得很好,像个装在套子里的人,很少有人能看得见这个套子。他们眼里的我高高瘦瘦的,多数时候甚至还挺阳光的,不蹉跎岁月,不安于现状,但有那么一个人却说出过我这辈子都不大可能忘记的一段话。

那应该是2015年的时候,在北美某著名的华人征婚网站上“认识”了一个妹子。如果没记错的话是她先发起的聊天,消耗了她几百的水钻。她习惯叫我师兄,给我非常亲切懂事的感觉。聊过几次后她说:“师兄,你长得不差,人也挺好,却一直单着,是因为你内心不安,内心不安是非常痛苦的……”她的话打了我一个激灵,让我想放声嚎啕大哭一顿。这世界终究有能看出你心思的人,但我又害怕就被这么看穿。彼时的我是如此倔强,并没向她吐露自己内心的不安到底是什么,因为觉得跟她是不可能的。这些年过去了,很想对她说一声谢谢。到今日终究没了任何联系方式,我们只是彼此的过客。现在只依稀记得她在东部某州读书,学的运动医学,还打算读博。祝她被岁月善待、有个幸福的归宿。

回国后也曾脱掉那个罩在身上的“套子”,坦露了自己内心的不安,她几乎没犹豫就接纳了我,可我终究被爱她心切的父母给两票否决了。世俗的偏见总是让人无奈,从开始的想不通到如今的接受,也是一次炼狱的过程。想通了,然后默默的把自己再装进套子里,告诫自己下次不要轻易卸下防御,一定要考虑周全了再坦露内心的真实。

往事纷扰,终难忘。木心说“人最大的烦恼,就是记性太好”。深以为然。

2019,希望自己被善待,希望自己能有突破。

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